Tuesday, January 03, 2006

... And One Yet to Come

While 2005 has finally drawn to a close, there are plenty of things to look forward to in the New Year. Here are some of my own predictions (some real, some perhaps a little far-fetched) of what to watch out for in the year to come:

  1. The DNC will realize what a mistake it made in electing Howard Dean as their leader; replacement Howard Stern will bring the party wackos back into the fold.

  2. John Kerry will return to Cambodia. After he decides not to. On a very swift boat. With his medals. That he no longer has.

  3. Texas Governor Rick Perry will be reelected by a large majority. Challenger Carol Keeton Rylander Strayhorn Smith Jones Brown Garcia will take up knitting in an Austin suburb.

  4. The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton will co-host a new educational show on BET, aimed at teaching black youths the essentials of racial victimism.

  5. Actress Geena Davis will be featured in some "I'm not really an American President, but I play one on TV" ads reminding people that women really can be anything they want, including the President of the United States of America. Hillary Roadhouse-Clinton will applaud the message, but decline to say whether she plans to run in 2008.

  6. Cher will start her "This is Really the Very Last Final Farewell (for now) Tour."

  7. Leaders of PETA and the Sierra Club will be found dead after ingesting Mad Kale Disease and poisoned mushrooms at a planning banquet. The remaining half dozen members will vote to move their respective groups even farther to the left, in order to fit in better with mainstream Democratic Party politics.

  8. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez will order a hit on evangelist Pat Robertson, but due to the language barrier some guy named Robert Patton will instead be targeted. President Bush will sign an executive order naming English as the official language of the USA, so that such mistakes will never happen again.

  9. French President Jacques Chirac will surrender French forces to, in turn, North Korea, the Ivory Coast, Haiti, and Liverpool, England. Taiwan's economy will enjoy a boost from the increased sales of white flags.

  10. Hillary Clinton and Cindy Sheehan will announce their Pres/VP run, with Les Moonves as their campaign manager.

  11. Kyoto Treaty, Part Deaux will be put forth by the UN Security Council, prohibiting any economic gains by the United States or its allies. A last minute amendment also prohibits third party investigation of any UN actions, unless accompanied by a substantial bribe.

  12. John McCain will begin to salivate about a 2008 presidential bid. Rejected by the conservative right, McCain will consider running as an independent.

  13. Hurricane season will start off with a bang in early June, prompting Al Gore to say "I told you so." Bill Clinton will come out of retirement to lead Gore's 2008 presidential campaign. The entire former Clinton administration will reunite to blaim Presidential Bush and Karl Rove for any and all hurricane damage, caused of course by the secret Republican Weather Control Machine.

  14. Ted Kennedy, in a drunken stupor, will announce his undying love for Teresa Heinz 57 Kerry. In a fit of jealous rage, Hillary will shoot the Senator from Massachusetts on live national television. The mainstream media will blame President Bush and his war in Iraq.

  15. Iran will actually test a nuclear weapon. On one of their neighbors, if possible. French forces will immediately retreat to northern Canada.

  16. Mold and mildew will completely cover the ruins of New Orleans, making it look like a giant bowl of moldy pasta.

  17. Michael Newdow will sue the government to remove the word "religion" from the First Amendment to the Constitution, declaring its mention is unconstitutional and defies the separation of church and state.

  18. Charles Manson will be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

  19. Michael Moore will shave, shower, and lose about two hundred pounds. (Okay, so maybe I'm getting a little too far out on a limb, now.)

  20. The Houston Astros will again make the play-offs, maybe even the World Series, but will lose in the crunch when they realize they have no pitchers or hitters left on the roster. During at least one play-off game, an embittered Alan Ashby will streak across right field during the seventh-inning stretch.

  21. The Houston Rockets will bring Clyde the Glide out of retirement to cater BBQ at Toyota Center, prompting the first real attendance of home games since Rudy T left.

  22. The Houston Texans will actually win a few games. At least in pre-season scrimmage. Against themselves. Maybe.

  23. The Houston Aeroes will ... do whatever hockey teams do these days. (Are they even still a team?)

  24. The new Houston pro soccer team will become the hit of the town ... after the few remaining citizens of Mexico "migrate" north as guest workers.

  25. John Kerry will not release his military service records.


Anonymous mikester said...

Of them all, I would say the one most likely to come true is the last.

1/04/2006 11:40 AM  

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