Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A Year in Review

2005 started off with a whimper in January, when in spite of the Dems' best efforts, the "selected, not elected" President George W. Bush was inaugurated for his second term in office. The nation mourned the passing of comedian Johnny Carson, and an ensemble of ex-es mourned the end of alimony. A rash of the dreaded "purple finger flu" struck Iraq in the midst of its first election since the overthrow of SAD-dum, and the American media went nuts.

In February, the outcome of Super Bowl #547 shook the world as -- waitaminit, who played in it last year, anyways? The media began to speculate on rumors of a break-up of the marriage of American sweethearts Nick Latchkey and Jessica Simpson (Homer's illegitimate daughter, raised in some remote location by cheerleader monks).

As winter began to thaw in March, pop star turned freak show Michael Jackson was once again in the spotlight as his Nevermore ranch was stormed by mobs of reporters and a policeman or two. Charged with public indecency with Jesus Juice, Michael decided to get another nose job. Crack defense attorney Johnnie Cochran couldn't take the pressure and promptly kicked the bucket; five different sizes of bloody leather gloves were discovered on his person during the autopsy. In other legal news, Robert Blake went free as Fred the Cockatoo took the fall for his wife's murder; Martha Stewart broke out of prison using a matching file and chisel set, just in time for the spring White Sale; and E-bay was flooded with pro baseball signatures and leftover steroids as Congress spent the month investigating the illegal doping of ball-boys.

April arrived, and the world mourned when Pope John Paul II passed away. In an attempt to avoid a bloody succession, the Catholic cardinals were locked in a room to fight it out. After two days of blowing smoke, a new Benedict was raised to the papacy; the remaining Cardinals returned to Arizona for the off-season. And brides across the nation fainted in fear as Jennifer Wilbanks was abducted by Greyhound and spirited away from her husband-to-be. Or not to be, as the case may be.

In May, a gaggle of renegade Senators broke the logjam over President Bush's judicial nominees, narrowly avoiding the use of the "nuclear option" (wherein black helicopters drop the bomb on Chappaquiddick). Massachusetts liquor dealers celebrated in relief, while the rest of the nation mourned. Reports by Newsweek that a Koran was flushed down a toilet at Club Gitmo were revealed to be false; later investigations proved it was actually the president's National Guard service records that were flushed.

We made it to June. After a two-month, three-ring trial, reenacted daily by the world media for mass distribution to the terminally brain dead, Michael Jackson was acquitted on charges of indecency with half the minors of California. He and OJ celebrated at Disney World, where the search is still on for the real perpetrators of their crimes. Hurricane season officially started with predictions of a mild summer. New rumors broke of a possible break-up between Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

In July, Trekkies across the cosmos mourned when James Doohan passed away, and William Shatner ran naked through the streets of Hollywood yelling, "Beam me up, Scotty!" French officials announced that American cyclists are no longer allowed in their county, after Lance Armstrong won his thirty-seventh Tour de France in a row. Democrats and the American media went nuts over who leaked name of CIA "secret operative" Valerie Plame, who husband Joseph Wilson reported had not been under covers in years. The Houston-based congregation of Lakewood Church moved into the former Compaq Center, causing the Rockets and Aeros teams to relocate out of jealously at Osteen's weekly sell-out crowds. Justice Sandra Thursday O'Conner retired from the SCOTUS, reinvigorating national hopes of the nuclear option.

August came and the American media mourned as Peter Jennings passed away, but the memorial service was canceled due to rumors of rival network gangs threatening to take over the world. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez blamed Pat Robertson and the American government for Jennings' death, and Newsweek attempted to flush John Bolton down the toilet. The Space Shuttle Discovery returned to space, but NASA astronauts panicked when unforeseen problems arose. An unnamed official later explained it was not really a life-threatening issue that arose, just the shock and surprise around the JSC headquarters when George Takei came barreling out of the closet yelling, "Beam me up, Scotty!" Hurricane Katrina hit Florida, then decided to take a chunk out of Louisiana. With the help of President Bush and his secret bomb-laden barges. Luckily for the citizens of New Orleans, actor Sean Penn arrived in time to save most of those who were too lazy to loot and too uneducated to steal a school bus. Luckily for the American media, Governor Kathleen Blanco and Mayor Ray Nagin were on hand to blame FEMA and President Bush for the storm itself.

As September blew in, sitcom connoisseurs mourned the loss of Gilligan and Maxwell Smart; CBS reported both were lost at sea due to the evil schemes of CHAOS, while Newsweek flushed the latest TV Guide down the toilet. Hurricane Rita, not to be outdone by her sister Katrina, caused hysteria and mass panic along the Texas Gulf Coast as the entire Houston population camped out on the freeways to await the storm's coming. (On a related note, the latest reports show that almost 63% of Houston-based Aggies have now found their way off Loop 610 and are returning home.) Chief Justice William Rehnquist passed away, spurring Sandra Day-Late O'Conner to say, "I didn't really MEAN to retire..." And House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was assaulted by Ronnie Earle for accidentally washing his wallet at the laundromat, or some such nonsense.

With the onset of October, the SAD-dum Hugh-SANE trial began in Iraq; but the American media found much more important things to report on, such as the ghastly crimes of Tom DeLay and the appalling inexperience of Harriet Miers, of "Ozzy and Harriet" fame. The Hundred and Forty-Seven Man March stormed the streets of the nation's capital as so-called black leaders (many of which are very definitely brown) continued to rage over the racially-motivated hurricanes of the summer. Comedians Nipsey Russell and Richard Smalley (noted juggler of buckeyballs) passed away, and the nation mourned the loss of civil rights activist Rosa Parks. Democrats disparaged the president over every political move he had ever made, but in the end confirmed his pick of John Roberts as the new Chief Justice without much of a fight. And speaking of not much of a fight, Houston celebrated the domination of the Astros as the boys of summer clenched the National League Championship and made their first ever appearance in the World Series, then quickly turned to sorrow as it was decided that the Texans would actually play the Series in their place. (Winning even one game would have been nice.)

In November, Rep. John Murtha demanded that the President withdraw all troops from Iraq immediately, then led the Democratic retreat to quickly defeat his own proposal. The Muslim youth of France mourned the death of Karate Kid sensei Pat Morita by burning most of the cars in and around Paris, prompting French President Jacques Chirac to surrender to pirates marauding off the coast of Somalia. Houston Mayor Bill -- dubbed the Great White Hope by local libs -- was reelected to his second term in office after promising to provide wireless internet service to the entire state of Texas. Local cable companies protested by mooning red light cameras all across the city. The ensuing chaos forced Six Flags officials to close Astroworld. The media blamed Tom DeLay for the closing of the park, which will surely doom the local economy for generations to come.

And finally December, when former Clinton-lackey Ramsey Clark joined the team of defense lawyers for SAD-dum, attempting misdirect prosecutors by blaming the former murdering dictator's crimes on Wal-Mart and Tom DeLay. US retailers responded by renaming Christmas as "That Non-Religious Holiday that Falls One Week Prior to New Year's Day." Nobel Peace Prize nominee Stanley "Tookie" Williams was inhumanely executed for writing children's books. John Wayne barfed in his grave over Hollywood's latest creation about a singing, swinging cowboy. And Nick Lachey finally watched "The Dukes of Hazzard" on pay-per-view; the next day he and Jessica Simpson announced their break-up was official. New York City transit workers protested the news with a strike, leaving citizens to celebrate Christmas sitting in the largest traffic jam in Manhattan's history. Dan Rather and Newsweek reported that all the problems in 2005 were actually Bush's fault. The L.A. Times countered with an exhaustively investigated piece putting partial blame on wild wolves in Wyoming.

And that's the year that was. For some other (and much better) looks at 2005, you can read the professionals' take at National Review Online, or get a good chuckle over the hilarious year end antics of columnist Dave Barry. Or for a different view, read a review of famous and influential personages who passed away last year as the folks at Black America Web report on a year Marked by Loss of Black Political Entertainment and Activism Icons. (While I enjoyed most of this set of bios, I almost lost my lunch over the final entry. Read for yourself -- if you dare.)

And now, for a look at the year to come...


Anonymous Daffyd said...

Heh, nice little recap, Songbird. I'm a little surprised at the lack of digs at the stooges: Jackson, Sharpton, Farrakhan and X. Of course, who needs digs when they set themselves up so well on a regular basis?

1/03/2006 2:47 PM  

Blogger Pat said...

Killer stuff! Happy to link, you need to email posts like these around!

1/03/2006 11:35 PM  

Anonymous barfkitty said...

Hee hee hee!! What a great post! Gotta thank Pat for linking to this one! Keep up the good writing, you just found a new reader!

1/06/2006 8:58 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Approximately how much does it cost to have a nosejob? I know that price will vary but I had my nose broken and need bridge work. Any ideas? Guestimate? Range?

2/19/2008 9:25 AM  

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