Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Idiot Tags

I do not know who first came up with this comedic idea — my brother-in-law first told me about it several years ago — but I have to admit I am liking it more and more each day I labor through Houston traffic.

The idea goes something like this: Every licensed driver is issued a dart gun and a handful of "idiot tags." Any time you see someone driving like an idiot, you shoot their vehicle with an idiot tag. The better your own driving record, the larger your allotment of idiot tags. Then when the cops spot someone sporting 5 or more tags, they pull them over and relieve the idiot of their license and vehicle.

As I began to draw near my exit on the way to work this morning, I saw young woman in a minivan pull out of the right-hand exit lane into the next lane over, then move slowly back into the same spot she had just vacated. The exit lane was moving much slower than the rest of the freeway traffic (perhaps 30 mph), so this maneuver did not sit well with the non-exiting drivers. She received a couple of approving honks, and probably got her first idiot tag of the day.

Then this moron apparently decided the exit lane still was not moving fast enough for her, so she pulled the same stunt again — except this time she went over two lanes to the left. Of course, by the time she was able to weave her way back to the right, her spot had closed and the exit lane was beginning to back up. So she stopped with her right turn signal on, waiting to get back into the exit lane. Problem was, she was now stopped on the freeway, completely blocking one (non-exit) lane and partially obstructing the next lane over, with horns blaring and fingers pointing the other drivers' appreciation for her antics. The results of her efforts? She moved back in line for exiting the freeway by three spots.

At first I was inclined to give the poor lady the benefit of the doubt, thinking she was probably just going somewhere for the first time and had gotten confused by the two or three large-lettered signs we had passed that alert drivers of the exit cross-streets. But when I ended up immediately behind her I realized this was someone who works in the same office building as I, and has worked there for several years. (I know this because I followed her into the parking lot for our building, and watched her park her baby blue minivan crooked — halfway over the yellow line — in the same spot as she does every day, sporting the same "Kerry / Edwards 2004" and "Selected not Elected" bumper stickers that I have secretly wanted to rip from her back bumper for at least three years now.)

Tag, lady. You're an idiot.


Anonymous Jason said...

If that was on I-45 outbound around at around 7:30 this morning, I'm gonna be really ticked! Traffic was much slower than normal for several miles, and for no apparent reason. Next time you see her, shoot her a couple of extra idiot tags for me, Songbird!

4/04/2006 4:15 PM  

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