Conservatives' Secret Weapon Pays Off

In case you haven't heard the news, our frozen neighbors to the north have finally seen the light. Yep, that's right -- Canadian voters yesterday voted the Conservative Party into power in parliament, hoisting the economist and social conservative Stephen Harper to the position of Prime Minister.

Conservative Stephen Harper pledged to quickly carry out his campaign promises to cut taxes, get tough on crime and repair strained ties with Washington after his party won national elections and ended 13 years of Liberal Party rule in Canada.

Of course, the Associated Press cannot risk the appearance of giving a fair and balanced report -- that might infringe on another network's trademark, of course -- so the writer was quick to throw this in:

Monday's vote showed that Canadians are weary of the Liberal Party's broken promises and corruption scandals. They were willing to give Harper a chance to govern despite concerns that some of his social views are extreme.

Many liberals and scholars of Canadian politics are stunned at the turn of events, and some are pointing toward interference by their nosy neighbors from "the States" as the cause of this tragic defeat.

Absurd, you say? Not necessarily. American conservatives have been cackling evilly for almost a week now as their secret weapon was unleashed last Friday on the unsuspecting Canadian public. It made an important impact in the 2004 U.S. presidential elections, and now it looks like it may have been the deciding factor in the Canadian election process as well.

What is this horrible weapon, you ask? Although it seems too hideous to contemplate... [WARNING: Readers with weak stomachs or who are under the age of 18 should run away from their computers at this time, preferably screaming.] ... America's favorite leftwing wacko, Michael Moore entered the fray!

Many US conservatives give Mr. (and I use the term loosely) Moore at least some credit for America's revolt against the liberal lunacy of Howard Dean and Johns Kerry and Edwards in 2004. His off-the-wall attacks on conservatives and insane support for liberal extremism soured many undecided voters on the abilities of the Democrat Party to represent normal, everyday, thinking Americans.

And with gleeful abandon on Friday, Moore applied his oft-questioned political savvy to the defeat of conservatism in Canada. (Which, of course, assured its win.) In an open letter to Canadian voters, Michael beseeched them to come to their senses:

Oh, Canada -- you're not really going to elect a Conservative majority on Monday, are you? That's a joke, right? I know you have a great sense of humor, and certainly a well-developed sense of irony, but this is no longer funny. Maybe it's a new form of Canadian irony -- reverse irony! OK, now I get it. First, you have the courage to stand against the war in Iraq -- and then you elect a prime minister who's for it. You declare gay people have equal rights -- and then you elect a man who says they don't. You give your native peoples their own autonomy and their own territory -- and then you vote for a man who wants to cut aid to these poorest of your citizens. Wow, that is intense! Only Canadians could pull off a hat trick of humor like that. My hat's off to you.

Far be it from me, as an American, to suggest what you should do. You already have too many Americans telling you what to do. Well, actually, you've got just one American who keeps telling you to roll over and fetch and sit. I hope you don't feel this appeal of mine is too intrusive but I just couldn't sit by, as your friend, and say nothing. Yes, I agree, the Liberals have some 'splainin' to do. And yes, one party in power for more than a decade gets a little... long. But you have a parliamentary system (I'll bet you didn't know that -- see, that's why you need Americans telling you things!). There are ways at the polls to have your voices heard other than throwing the baby out with the bath water.

... Do you want to help George Bush by turning Canada into his latest conquest? Is that how you want millions of us down here to see you from now on? The next notch in the cowboy belt?

Gotta love him. Or ... no, actually, we don't.

I wonder if the Russians need any help in their next elections...