Official Guide to Terror Alert Levels

Prompted by the Associated Press's recent show of support for America's enemies, I have updated the Official Guide to Terror Alert Levels. (I haven't posted it in quite a while anyway, so...)

Official US Terror Alert Levels
The five levels of terrorism alerts as outlined by the Office of Homeland Security:
GREEN – Low risk of terrorist attacks
BLUE – Guarded condition: general risk of attacks
YELLOW – Elevated condition: significant risk of attacks
ORANGE – High risk of terrorist attacks
RED – Severe risk of terrorist attacks

US Terror Alert Levels for Dummies
Frank J's unfair, unbalanced, and (unfortunately) unmedicated guide to what the official alert levels really mean:
GREEN – Low: All evil has been destroyed. The world is now a peaceful utopia.
BLUE – Guarded: There's still the occasional pickpocket, so show a little caution.
YELLOW – Elevated: Terror lurks in the shadows; be wary.
ORANGE – High: The terrorists are out there and they are coming for YOU!
RED – Severe: The world is exploding around you. The only law is your own gun.

Unofficial White House Alert Levels
Another simple look at what they mean:
GREEN – Stupor: Limbaugh. Friends. Survivor.
BLUE – Apathy: Status quo. Navel gazing.
YELLOW – Paranoia: Sustain. Re-elect. Repeat.
ORANGE – Panic: Arabiacs at your front door.
RED – Chaos: Apocalypse now unfolding.

MSM Terror Alert Levels
Dictates how the mainstream American media should refer to Osama bin Laden:
GREEN – Saudi patriot
BLUE – former U.S. ally
YELLOW – exiled Saudi dissident
ORANGE – anti-American leader
RED – terrorist leader / Muslim extremist

French Alert Levels
Dictates how the French should respond in any given situation:
GREEN – Ignore / offend
BLUE – Run
YELLOW – Hide
ORANGE – Collaborate
RED – Surrender

Italian Threat Levels
GREEN – Eat pasta
BLUE – Shout loudly and excitedly
YELLOW – Elaborate military posturing
ORANGE – Ineffective combat operations
RED – Change sides

British Alert Levels
GREEN – Blimey
BLUE – Miffed
YELLOW – Peeved
ORANGE – Tiresome
RED – Bloody 'ell!

Bronx Alert Levels
The terrorist alert levels translated for residents of the Burroughs:
GREEN – Fuhgeddaboudit.
BLUE – How you doin'?
YELLOW – Osama this!
ORANGE – You talkin' to me?
RED – #$@% me? #$@% YOU!!